Allsfair,
I love my fiancé and we have a very solid and close relationship. When I’m with him I’m confident in myself and excited for the future. We live in a small town where I constantly am running into his most recent ex, in which he had originally intended to marry. I’ve had problems with her my entire life, but it’s taken on an entirely different level now that I’m engaged to her ex. She’s tried toying with our relationship and getting in the middle of it. She’s put me down and tried making me feel insufficient and immature and ugly. I’ve confronted her once about leaving us alone and getting on with her own life and she accused me of feeling threatened by her and such. I won’t get into detail of all the things she’s said. But now I’m working at the same company as her, and she’s been coming to my office to talk to my boss and sit at my desk because she knows i don’t want to be around her. She thinks she’s intimidating me… but how am i supposed to act? I can’t even look her in the eyes anymore. I don’t know how to remain confident in myself and not buy into her insults.
Insecure

Dear Insecure,
I’m actually in a slightly similar situation so I sympathize with you. My ex fiance won’t stop calling and texting me and I’m worried about it bugging my fiance. How could it not? I know if I were in your shoes I would be really upset about the whole thing. I think the most important thing to do first is to let your boss know what’s going on. You don’t need to give the entire sordid history, but a basic recap. Let your boss know that this is a potential problem. It’s possible that the situation will escalate and you don’t want to worry about your job being in danger because of immature actions taken by this woman. You might ask for a mediation session between the three of you so you can discuss the need to be professional at work. She doesn’t have to like you, but she does need to respect you in your mutual workplace. When she’s around, try to treat her like every other co-worker. If you are always professional around her, then if anything ever does happen, your boss will know who the cause is. I hope this isn’t causing problems between your fiance and you. I think you should definitely discuss this whole thing with him and make sure that he knows how you’re feeling and that you’re doing everything you can to stay away from her. Try your very best to ignore her and to stay away from her. Hopefully neither one of you is responding to and communications she’s sending (except work ones of course). It seems that she’s just jealous. She probably realizes how awesome he is now that she can’t have him anymore. It’s the old wanting what you can’t have bit. My fiance’s ex thinks he dumped her to be with me, when the truth is he left her because she’s mean and lazy. It’s too bad when people miss out on the lessons they should be learning from the relationship. Instead of pining after him, she should be figuring out what she learned from her relationship with her ex, your fiance. It’s so much easier to believe the bad things people tell us than the good. I don’t know why that is. All you can do is keep telling yourself how awesome you are. Try this, everytime she says something negative to you, tell yourself something good. Like Oh she’s only jealous because I’ve got her man. Bonus if you can make it silly things to make yourself smile as these will have more impact like She’s only jealous because I’m tall and sexy and she looks like a hobbit. Or because your hair is healthier and she’s got split ends. If you need to, ask for a compliment to make yourself feel better. Somedays I just need to here sweet things. So I’ll ask my fiance things like “tell me I’m pretty” even though he didn’t come up with it himself, it’s still nice to hear. Plus he might pick up on the fact that you want that from him and he’ll start telling you things more often. Being in a relationship is all about being honest about your needs. If you need anything else please let me know! Even if it’s just someone to chat with and tell you why you’re amazing. P.s. You are!!!
~Allsfair

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About allsfairadvice

I'm not a therapist, I just enjoy helping out with people's relationships. I always give straightforward honest answers. I notice that people frequently need the same advice, and they need a deeper insight into the way people think. I've got a pretty good handle on it
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