A man being shorter than his significant other really is ok

Dear Allsfair,
I am 5’2 myself. My story is as follows (not pretty):
=======================================
When I was 17 and in University for the first time, a girl who was 5’4″ was very interested in me*. But the thought of being heckled by other men, and also being intimidated by her size etc was too much for me. Not to mention I didn’t know what my role was supposed to be.

There, I was made fun of, beaten and ignored. And I wasn’t street smart enough to just avoid people. I was afraid of other men. And especially afraid of other men, when girls were around. After all if a girl is there, men will, if they can get away with it, try to intimidate other men away.

One day, high on drugs, I attempted suicide. I survived.

I spent the next 7 or so years as a hermit. Then 3 years chasing an idea that would technically make me rich, but I was only doing it because it was out of the mainstream and allowed me to avoid other people.

When I gave up on that, I rejoined University. In the first year, there was another very attractive 5’5″ girl who was interested in me.
Once again
1) I was afraid of being heckled.
2) I was afraid of her other suitor who was much stronger and bigger than me (who did physically threaten me later on when I did try to talk to her too little too late, after she moved on and accepted him as her boyfriend).
3) I was afraid that even though she was clearly interested in me, she would change her mind if I approached.
4) I was afraid that she would look at other men more even if we were together. And the jealousy/betrayal of that thought was too much to bear.
5) I was afraid that other guys would hit on her even though I would be clearly with her – aka massive disrespect.
6) I was afraid that even if after all that, I did get with her, she would get all the attention when we were out as a couple. Very emasculating.
7) etc etc.

So Ive become 30 with never a girlfriend to soothe my mind, with being disrespected or invisible to other men. And I can’t even be 100% angry with girls, because though 90% of them would consider me subhuman – a few gems were interested in me greatly. Other men, I hate more thoroughly – they would disrespect, even attack me if social norms didn’t prevent it.

I have a MENSA level IQ (professionally tested), am quite good looking etc but being short is the unforgivable for a man.

The only ray of hope is either
a) Leg extensions
b) As I am Asian, I can go back to my part of the world where I am roughly average size for a man (1-2 inches shorter than average). Only problems with this are I totally give up on girls/a special girl that I like, and theres no money to be made there. But, OTOH, I will have some peace.
c) Both of the above.

I dont’ claim to be a fighter who’s weathered the storms of life well. I do think most men taller than, say 5’6 can simply have no idea of how it feels and is, and therefore have any right to call me wimpy etc. As for other short men who have done better, congrats – you are either luckier or more rugged than I. I still think I have gone through more **** than 95% of men ever will. And I take a little perverse pride in that.
~anonymous

Anonymous~
It’s true, that I’m 5’10 and my boyfriend is 5’8 (on a good day). It doesn’t bother either one of us. I can’t tell you what to do in these situations, as it was never an issue for us. I wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me. Our heights didn’t matter. I even wear heels when we go out which makes me approx. 6’1. He finds me beautiful and model-esque. The key to it all, is that we wanted to be together. A girl who is going to toy with you, and choose whomever is strongest, isn’t the right girl. The right girl will know that you’re her soulmate (trust me, everyone has one) and she won’t require feats of strength or anything else to prove your love. She would also never tolerate another guy beating up on you. I would stop anything in the world from harming my boyfriend if I could, and it was necessary.
Let me tell you a little about our relationship, so you can see what I mean when I talk about the right person. I hate to sound cliche, but he is, honestly, my soulmate. When we met, we were both dating other people and yet we had an instant connection. We stayed friends, and never mentioned it to each other. Then about a year later, by a stroke of luck, we were both single at the same time. We started dating immediately. People thought it wouldn’t last, as I’d just been engaged for four years and been cheated on, and he had been engaged for two. We talked about how we always felt something there, and it was completely serious, that we were soulmates. There wasn’t a big flash of light, or trumpets or anything, just the immediate 100% sureness that you’re meant to be with someone. He would tell you that he’s 5, and I’m a solid 10. I don’t agree, but it illustrates a difference in not only our heights. To me he’s the most handsome man in the entire world. We’ve been together for a year, and I still feel exactly the same way as I did the first time I met him (now two years ago). I know he feels the same as well.
I can’t really give you any better advice, then to wait for the right girl. If you like someone, and she’s allowing suitors to compete for her, then move on before it becomes physical. I wouldn’t change anything about yourself. The right girl will love you madly exactly the way you are, height, looks, intelligent, everything. You are everything that is perfect for her, and her soul will recognize it. Only immature girls who aren’t worth it let themselves go to the highest bidder. I think you need to seek some professional help to learn to love who you are. If you can love yourself, then it won’t matter that you haven’t found the right girl, you’ll be willing to wait.
You might also consider traveling. You mentioned going back to Asia, which might be a viable option if you’re really searching hard for her, but you also could go somewhere else in Europe. They don’t have the same issues Americans have, with looks and “societal norms” etc. Plus Europe is amazing! If nothing else, you went on a great vacation. I hope my advice has helped. If I can help more, let me know.
~Allsfair

Allsfair~
Rationally speaking, one thing is you are 5’10, in a sense youve been ‘trained’ to not be very boisterous around men so as not to put them off (Im not trying to be rude, I just think its a fact of sorts). On the other hand, when girls who were 5’4 and 5’5 were showing interest in me, and I liked them – I felt betrayed not only externally (which is obvious) but also internally as I felt I would be restricting their life and that wouldn’t be proper for me to do to them if I cared for them. Paranoid? Maybe. But I think you understand what I mean, right? Women like to be hypersocial and playful.

But it makes one a very bitter person, perhaps even more bitter than a 5’2 guy who never received interest from women he likes.

However, the girl who was very interested in me when I was 17, had as her ‘group’ – women always tend to pair up, a 6’0 girlfriend, whos boyfriend was 5’4. She was a very aloof person – Im sure you can empathize. Of course that made it a golden opportunity for me, to have a ready made group where I wouldn’t be so weird. But I was too naive and young to see it really.

Perhaps part of the problem was I grew up in a sex segregated school in the middle east, and just didn’t understand mixed sex group dynamics.

As for the soul mate stuff, the rational part of me calls it poppy cock. Another part of me is not so sure (Read Michael Crichton’s book ‘Travels’ for example). Might be a pity that my rational side is so dominant.
~Anon.

Anon~
Let me just say, while I didn’t find your thoughts on this rude, I am a very outgoing person. I never kept to myself or did anything else to minimize my height. While it is extremely annoying to have every person comment on it, it doesn’t matter. I wear heels, and have just decided that when people mention how tall I am, I started saying things like you just can’t handle me in all my glory. It’s cheesy, but generally people don’t mean to be rude, they’re just making a comment. But it is rude. It’s the same as someone commenting on how fat someone is. As a society, we aren’t supposed to point out people’s differences like that. It’s becoming more and more socially acceptable for the woman to be taller in a relationship. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are single handedly making it ok.
Unfortunately I can’t give you any better advice than to just believe that it’s ok. It really is! If you are confident in yourself and your relationship then it won’t matter if someone is being rude about it. I’m not saying it won’t still sting, (I still feel it when people stare when I’m wearing heels) but it all come back to that ever appropriate Eleanor Roosevelt quote “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If you don’t let them get to you, them the comments will more easily slide off your back.
The soulmate thing is hard to believe in. I never did. I watched all the movies and told myself that Hollywood gave me unrealistic expectations of men. No man could be that perfect, and there’s not one right person for everyone. Look at how many marriages fail. I went through some tough relationship things before I met my boyfriend. Now that I have him, I totally believe. I started this blog based on that idea. I’ve become a really big fan of the breakup. If people aren’t happy in a relationship then they are only preventing their own happiness. You need to make yourself available to the right person. Marriages fail because people insist on staying together and getting married because they think it will fix things. You’re much better off alone than with someone who doesn’t make you happy.
The one thing I always tell people when we talk about my boyfriend being shorter is that he’s manly enough to make me feel feminine. When I was younger, I always felt almost masculine next to my shorter friends. It was very important to me to find a man who makes me feel feminine, protected, and just generally taken care of. I can’t help you find a girl, but when you do, hold doors for her, protect her, and she’ll stick around no matter how tall you are.
My best finding a girl advice is to go to a bookstore. People generally buy books from the same sections, because it’s what they enjoy. So ask her for a recommendation. If she seems responsive ask her if she’d like to have coffee with you. Bookstores generally have coffee shops, so it’s safe because she doesn’t have to go anywhere with someone she doesn’t know. If you hit it off, then you can have dinner from there. You’re more likely to meet girls that care more about your intelligence than your looks, plus you get to find a girl who shares your interests and intelligence.
~Allsfair

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New podcast!

Ok, I found this new podcast. It’s so much fun! Episode two comes out tonight so tune in. http://katyandjoe.jellycast.com/podcast/feed/2 Also find them on Facebook under Katy and Joe.

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Allsfair,
I love my fiancé and we have a very solid and close relationship. When I’m with him I’m confident in myself and excited for the future. We live in a small town where I constantly am running into his most recent ex, in which he had originally intended to marry. I’ve had problems with her my entire life, but it’s taken on an entirely different level now that I’m engaged to her ex. She’s tried toying with our relationship and getting in the middle of it. She’s put me down and tried making me feel insufficient and immature and ugly. I’ve confronted her once about leaving us alone and getting on with her own life and she accused me of feeling threatened by her and such. I won’t get into detail of all the things she’s said. But now I’m working at the same company as her, and she’s been coming to my office to talk to my boss and sit at my desk because she knows i don’t want to be around her. She thinks she’s intimidating me… but how am i supposed to act? I can’t even look her in the eyes anymore. I don’t know how to remain confident in myself and not buy into her insults.
Insecure

Dear Insecure,
I’m actually in a slightly similar situation so I sympathize with you. My ex fiance won’t stop calling and texting me and I’m worried about it bugging my fiance. How could it not? I know if I were in your shoes I would be really upset about the whole thing. I think the most important thing to do first is to let your boss know what’s going on. You don’t need to give the entire sordid history, but a basic recap. Let your boss know that this is a potential problem. It’s possible that the situation will escalate and you don’t want to worry about your job being in danger because of immature actions taken by this woman. You might ask for a mediation session between the three of you so you can discuss the need to be professional at work. She doesn’t have to like you, but she does need to respect you in your mutual workplace. When she’s around, try to treat her like every other co-worker. If you are always professional around her, then if anything ever does happen, your boss will know who the cause is. I hope this isn’t causing problems between your fiance and you. I think you should definitely discuss this whole thing with him and make sure that he knows how you’re feeling and that you’re doing everything you can to stay away from her. Try your very best to ignore her and to stay away from her. Hopefully neither one of you is responding to and communications she’s sending (except work ones of course). It seems that she’s just jealous. She probably realizes how awesome he is now that she can’t have him anymore. It’s the old wanting what you can’t have bit. My fiance’s ex thinks he dumped her to be with me, when the truth is he left her because she’s mean and lazy. It’s too bad when people miss out on the lessons they should be learning from the relationship. Instead of pining after him, she should be figuring out what she learned from her relationship with her ex, your fiance. It’s so much easier to believe the bad things people tell us than the good. I don’t know why that is. All you can do is keep telling yourself how awesome you are. Try this, everytime she says something negative to you, tell yourself something good. Like Oh she’s only jealous because I’ve got her man. Bonus if you can make it silly things to make yourself smile as these will have more impact like She’s only jealous because I’m tall and sexy and she looks like a hobbit. Or because your hair is healthier and she’s got split ends. If you need to, ask for a compliment to make yourself feel better. Somedays I just need to here sweet things. So I’ll ask my fiance things like “tell me I’m pretty” even though he didn’t come up with it himself, it’s still nice to hear. Plus he might pick up on the fact that you want that from him and he’ll start telling you things more often. Being in a relationship is all about being honest about your needs. If you need anything else please let me know! Even if it’s just someone to chat with and tell you why you’re amazing. P.s. You are!!!
~Allsfair

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Do what you have to to be happy

Dear allsfair,
We’ve been together for 4 years and have been living together for a year.We are currently expecting our first child together.I am not happy with his mood swings and controlling behavior.I’ve tried to break up with him before but he’s begged me to stay so I gave in and stayed but I feel so miserable when I’m with him.What’s the best way to break up with him?
Thanks, Scared

Scared,
The hardest thing you’ll probably ever do is be strong and actually leave him. I’m so proud of you for doing it because you’re unhappy. So many women would stay and that only makes the situation worse. Be straightforward and honest. Tell him you’re tired of his behavior and how he tries to control you. You’re at a time in your life when you need all the support you can get and he isn’t providing it. Then you need to leave. The longer you stay to explain and discuss it the more likely he’ll convince you to stay. Don’t answer calls or texts for a few days, give it time to sink in for you both. Then go move your stuff out. Get friends to help if you can so they can act as a buffer between you two. And don’t worry about someone never wanting to be with you, they will! You’ll find a wonderful man who will let you be yourself and will love your baby like it was his own. Again I’m so proud of you for doing this. You deserve to be happy.
Allsfair

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Don’t text, call. & leave yourself open for the right guy

Dear Allsfair,

i saw a girl in college. she looked at me with this look of interest but i was too far to go up to her and talk. but later on the same day i crossed her and we made eye contact and she smiled. so i said hi and started a conversation and she seemed interested(if i am not wrong) she asked question like what i do , age and other stuff. i asked her if she was single and she said yes, so i asked her if she wants to hangout the next day (which is Thursday tomorrow) she said yes and i took her number. this all happened yesterday. so today i text her and gave her my number and just say hi. but i didnt hear anything from her. i text her again in the evening but still no reply. so what do u think she is doing. i am not a player so i don’t understand these things. so please tell me what is going on. ~confused

Dear Confused,

It does sound like she was interested. The eye contact smile thing is a clear sign. I would leave her alone tonight, and tomorrow CALL her and ask if she’d still like to get together. If she doesn’t answer leave a message and if she doesn’t reply then just call it a loss. Don’t text when starting a relationship, while it’s easier and less awkward, it doesn’t convey as much interest. Plus you text your friends, call a girlfriend

Dear Allsfair,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for some time now, and we really love each other. But, recently, we’ve been going downhill. Slowly. We try not to think about it, but we both know what’s coming. We are both afraid of the actual break up… So I think we’re just trying to let things slide, but it’s just as painful.
What can I do? What should I do about this situation? ~ Slow Dance

Dear Slow Dance,

Dump him seems like the obvious answer. The more you drag it out the more it will hurt. It sounds like you both are just afraid of being without each other. The best thing you can do for yourself is to ditch the wrong guy and leave yourself open for the right guy to come along. There’s no point in holding onto someone you don’t have a future with. Plus being single really isn’t that bad. Remember all those girlfriends you have that fell by the wayside while you were in a relationship? Now is the perfect time to rekindle those relationships. I know it’s cliche, but it’s true that your friends will always be there when you need them.

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Just starting out

I’m just starting this blog to help out with people’s relationship problems. I have a pretty good handle on relationships, and it seems like people need a lot of help. I’m not saying I always have the answer or that my own relationship is perfect. I notice that people frequently need the same advice. I’m here to give a straightforward, honest opinion. Post any questions here, email me at AllsFairAdvice@yahoo.com or find me on facebook

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